Written by: Dante Jordan
Every year the news warns us of treacherous stoners who are filling your children’s plastic pumpkins with cannabis edibles disguised as Halloween candies. And every year, every person around this office sighs the largest of sighs because we all know that these concerns are ridiculous and meritless.
Why? Multiple reasons. And because I have too much time on my hands and too much pettiness in my soul, I’m going to tell you the top 5 reasons why NO ONE IS GIVING YOUR KID EDIBLES.
Time is the most precious resource that any of us have. And every day, we all battle with ourselves about how to use it most efficiently. One way to NOT use time efficiently is taking the 15-30 minutes to go to a cannabis dispensary, give your ID to the door person, go inside, shop around various glass cases, choose your products, show your ID again, buy them in bulk, and then head home to take the time to open every package, transfer them to a big plastic candy bowl, and then hand them out to underage children for 3-6 evening hours.
While time is our most important resource, money is the biggest reason this list exists. Straight up, NO ONE IS SPENDING THEIR HARD-EARNED 40-HOUR-PER-WEEK DOLLARS ON EDIBLES TO GIVE AWAY TO YOUR KID. Bro, cannabis is so damn expensive. A single edible is hitting you for like $5-10 and a multipack hits for $20-40, so to pull off a silly trick like the edible fake-out would hit any of us for a smooth $200-400.
Stoners hate doorbells, and “CHECK YOUR KIDS’ CANDY FOR THC SNACKS” ignores that fact. You ever been sitting on the couch smoking on a fatty when the doorbell rang unexpectedly? You know friends don’t ring the doorbell, so it’s like “Hold up… Who invited the cops?!”
The simple fact that none of us want to take a break from chillin’ and watching Wu Tang: An American Saga on Hulu to get up and sit down 100 times for a joke that none of us will even see pay off is enough reason to dispel any fears that trick-or-treating is a gateway drug.
The only reason to tell a joke is to get a laugh. The only reason to pull a prank is to watch the victim get pranked. Neither of these can happen if your kid is eating edibles in the comfort of their own home, miles away from where they got the supposedly tainted candy. So there’s literally no reason for anyone to ever do this in the name of humor. And since THC would only get your kid high and not actually cause any physical harm, there’s no motivation for that type of evil, either. Therefore, it’s time to accept the truth.
Literally the biggest mission of cannabis enthusiasts is to get this plant legalized so we can smoke freely like the good Lord intended. That can’t happen if shady shit like children getting tricked by edibles is happening. So why would anyone in this community set us back by pulling off one of the worst and least rewarding jokes possible?
Answer: they wouldn’t. They didn’t last Halloween, they won’t this Halloween, and guess what? Next Halloween is off the table, too.